Relationship OCD (ROCD): “Do I Really Love My Partner” or “Do They Really Love Me?”
Questioning if you love your partner, if they really want to be with you, wondering if they are the right person for you, having intrusive thoughts about your relationship - these are all common questions someone might ask who struggles with Relationship OCD. Sometimes the thoughts last for days, other times they pop into the mind out of nowhere, or are triggered by a memory or photo. Relationship OCD is real, but just because you have these questioning and fearful thoughts, does not always mean something is wrong with you or your partner. There are evidence-based ways to manage these thoughts and not let them take control of your relationships.
What Is ROCD?
Relationship OCD is a subtype of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder in which the obsessions center around romantic relationships. These thoughts are full of doubt and fear that this is not the right relationship or partner for you, if they really love you and want to be with you, and whether you or your partner is doing something wrong. For others, the ROCD takes the form of constantly questioning whether their partner wants to be with them.
ROCD follows the same obsessive-compulsive pattern: intrusive thoughts about the relationship, compulsive behavior trying to reduce anxiety, temporary relief when you do the compulsions, and the cycle continues.
However, simply having intrusive thoughts questioning and causing doubt about the relationship does not mean anything is actually wrong. It does not mean your partner does not love you or that the relationship should end. These thoughts are based in anxiety, and are not necessarily fact.
What ROCD Actually Looks Like — The Two Main Forms
Partner-focused ROCD
Comparisons to others - exes, real or fictional people
Excessive focus on flaws, or analyzing of characteristics
Obsessive doubts on whether your partner is “enough”- “What if I am settling?” “What if this is not my person?” “What if there is someone better out there?”
Doubting their partner’s feelings- “What if they don’t really want to be with me?”
Obsessive checking their partners social media, texts or reviewing conversations to seek reassurance of partner’s love
Self-focused ROCD
Constant checking for feelings of love or certainty in the relationship
The checking fuels anxiety and erases feelings of real emotion
Obsessive doubting of feeling- “Am really in love?” , “Am I really attracted to my partner?”, “I don’t feel anything - am I really in love?”
People can experience one or both of these - both are equally real and distressing.
The Compulsions That Keep ROCD Going
Reassurance Seeking - repeatedly asking your partner or friends if the relationship is “right”, but feelings of clarity are fleeting
Mental Reviewing - Replaying moments and analyzing memories for proof that things are not alright
Googling - Finding yourself searching “how do I know if I am in love?” “how do I know if my relationship is right?”
Avoidance - Avoiding intimacy, romantic moments or talks of the future out of fear or doubt
Checking social media for your partner’s posts or reviewing their messages or conversations to reassure yourself they are into you
All of these compulsions feed the obsessive-compulsive cycle of anxiety and in reality, no answers lead to real, lasting relief.
How ROCD Is Treated — ERP and ACT
Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP)
ERP is the gold-standard, evidence-based treatment for OCD and all subtypes. Clients learn to build tolerance to uncomfortable feelings or thoughts instead of engaging in unhelpful compulsions. The goal is to build tolerance for uncertainty so doubt loses its power. For ROCD this looks like sitting with the thought of “what if this is not my person” or “what if they don’t really love me” instead of jumping into action seeking answers and certainty.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)
ACT teaches clients to observe thoughts, sit with them and let them go without viewing every intrusive thought as a fact or problem to be solved. ACT involves identifying values - what is valued in the relationship, your partner and you as a member of the relationship. Clients then view the relationship through the value system rather than fear and anxiety.
What treatment does NOT involve - treatment does not involve answering the question “ is this the right relationship?” This just feeds the cycle. The goal is freedom from the cycle.
ROCD's Impact on Partners
Partners of those with ROCD often take the brunt of questioning, anxiety and reassurance-seeking. This can leave them feeling burnt out and confused. Couples therapy can often be helpful in supporting the partner and helping them learn to support the individual with OCD instead of feeling the need to solve anything, provide constant reassurance, or change.
Thoughts brought on by ROCD are not a sign, they are not fact and do not require solving. Instead, the brain is stuck in an anxiety-fueled loop with no exit ramp. A professional clinician, trained in ERP and ACT can help ease anxiety, build tolerance to uncertainty and help clients move on from the cycle with a sense of confidence.
Interested in starting treatment? Contact us.