Navigating Loneliness Around Valentine’s Day
Have you ever found yourself feeling unsatisfied in your relationships even though you have a large group of friends? Maybe you have been at a party and wanted to leave early because it seems like no one would miss you. We can be surrounded by others, even people we like, and still feel alone. The holidays can stir up this loneliness, and just when we think the holiday season is over, Valentine’s Day comes around and points the spotlight on our romantic relationships (or lack thereof).
How Loneliness Shows Up Around Valentines Day
Loneliness is often a misunderstood emotion as many people who feel lonely are surrounded by others - a team at work, big families, a large social friend group. Others may not have these social connections and/or may live alone and feel disconnected from others. Loneliness is not just the act of being alone physically or socially - it is the perceived gap between your desire and the reality of your social connections. Just because someone has a lot of friends, family members or followers, does not mean they necessarily feel connected. Loneliness can also show up as related emotions including sadness, disappointment, self-judgment, withdrawal and fear. However loneliness shows up, CBT techniques can help lessen the intensity of the feeling and help you move through this holiday.
How CBT Addresses Loneliness
The core concept of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is the interconnectedness of thoughts, feelings and behavior. Our internal thoughts impact the way we feel which in turn influence our behavior. If we can become more aware of the cycle between our thoughts, feelings and behavior, we can better manage the tough emotions that show up around Valentine's Day.
Notice your thought patterns - negative self talk, “should-ing” your self, self-judgment
Name the correlated emotion - using a feelings wheel to name the emotion builds self-awareness of what is really going on for you
Change your thoughts to change your behavior - replacing negative thoughts with helpful ones leads to positive behavior change
Unhelpful Thoughts Associated with Valentine’s Day
While some people love the nostalgia of exchanging valentines, heart shaped chocolates and kitschy heart decor, there is so much room for self-judgment around a holiday based on having a romantic relationship. CBT names these unhelpful thoughts as cognitive distortions - naming and reframing these unhelpful thoughts is the best way to build self-awareness as we prepare for the holiday
All or Nothing Thinking : “If I don’t have a significant other, I’m failing”
Labeling : “I’m pathetic for not being in a relationship yet”
Mind-reading : “My friends in relationships think something's wrong with me for being single”
Overgeneralization : “Everyone else is happy in their relationships and I’m the only one alone”
CBT Reframes for Cognitive Distortions
All or Nothing Thinking : “My success in life is not defined by one aspect, and just because I’m single now does not mean I’ll be single forever”
Labeling : “There are multiple great parts about myself that will make me a great partner one day”
Mind-Reading : “No one has made judgmental comments to me, I have no evidence they are judging me”
Overgeneralization : “I do not know other people’s relationship dynamics, many people feel alone and do not show it”
Preparation is Key
Instead of hoping for the best or denying feelings that come up around Valentine’s Day, plan around how you think you’ll feel and set yourself up for success. Afraid of seeing everyone else’s highlight reel? Limit your social media exposure and turn on screen-time limits or delete the apps altogether. Worried you’ll be the only one home with no plans? Take yourself on a date of your choosing by yourself or with a friend! Engaging in activities that lean into your core values (service, nature, hobbies, etc) instantly boosts positive feelings.
Self-Compassion Tools to Practice
Even with all the preparation and fun plans to look forward to, our feelings still find us. Expect tough feelings to show up before, during or after Valentine’s Day and make space to identify, validate and feel those emotions. Avoiding our feelings never works. When we repress, deny or explain-away feelings they come back with a vengeance and can, at worst, lead to further mental health issues. Feeling sad, disappointed or lonely does not mean you have to stay home all day and avoid people or possible triggers, you can bring those feelings with you in a compassionate manner and still go about your day.
Valentine’s Day is an opportunity to practice increasing self-awareness, getting curious about thought patterns and behavior cycles you’re engaging in and practice having compassion for yourself this year.
Need more support this season?
If you find yourself consistently feeling lonely, sad or distressed and unable to find the same contentment or joy you used to, reach out to a counselor for support. Our CBT trained specialists can help you target triggers, unhelpful thought patterns and implement new evidenced-based strategies to manage tough emotions.